Seeking Christmas

As I was eating lunch with my favorite five year old, I hear the familiar tune float down from the stereo speakers.

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Let your heart be light.
From now on our troubles will be out of sight…”

I immediately thought of the family of Elizabeth Edwards, estranged – that’s how they are labeling her in the media – estranged wife of John Edwards, who lost her battle with cancer earlier this week. This is not a time of happiness or ‘light hearts’ for the Edwards family. No matter how you feel about the Democratic Party or John’s infidelity or anything else reported by journalists looking for a story, this situation causes me grief. Elizabeth was first diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer in 2004. Six years later, twenty days before Christmas, she dies.

I hesitate to continue with ‘war’ imagery where cancer is concerned. I need to face cancer and its role in my family’s life not by arming myself for the epic battle, but by accepting the natural progression of the disease, and in turn, the natural progression of life. We are born. We die. Some die as children, some in the prime of life, and some avoid the pitfalls of disease and accidents and die when their bodies can no longer function on their own.

Still we fight death. Still we wage war against disease. We battle, struggle, and overcome countless obstacles to live a full life. But are we truly living? Have we embraced life or are we still seeking…something?

“Here we are as in olden days,
happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who are dear to us
gather near to us once more…”

Elizabeth Edward’s family will dissolve into tears of loss when they hear this line. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas is anything but merry. It’s a sentimental song with a melancholy tune. It speaks of nostalgia. It was written to describe a transition from the past to the present in preparation for an unknown future. And it has been a part of our Christmas celebrations for over sixty years.

The song was composed for the 1944 musical Meet Me in St. Louis. And while Judy Garland didn’t consider how ridiculous her long, blond wig would appear on movie screens years since the film’s release, she did criticize the original lyrics to the Christmas song she would sing. She requested the lyrics reflect a more joyous holiday mood, provide more light and hope within the words sung by her character. The songwriter, Hugh Martin, complied with her request.

“Through the years, we all will be together,
if the Fates allow.
Until then, we’ll have to muddle through somehow…”
(original version)

As I listen, I notice hope for the future falling in notes and words as delicate as the first snowflakes of the season.

The musical describes Christmas where a family is in transition. During this time of celebration, there is a longing for the past, a longing for a time when changes weren’t forthcoming. Christmas expectations seen through the eyes of a child give way to visions of stark reality. No, Christmas isn’t always merry. It can be filled with loss, grief, nostalgia and memory.

And yet a fragile hope exists. We will wrap our emotions for this holiday along with remembrances of our past celebrations and our desires for the future into a package we call “Christmas”.

We are seeking Christmas through whatever pathways are open to us.

We will worship by candlelight on Christmas Eve. We will sing the songs we were taught as children, songs of angels and stars and joy. We will awaken on Christmas morning wondering what this day has in store.

Never before and never again will there be another Christmas like this one.

“…So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.”

I pray that the Edwards family can find some peace through the pain of grief. I pray that they notice the fragile hope within leading them into tomorrow.